


The night before the morning after.

by ZombieCyborgAssassin



Category: Stephanie Plum - Janet Evanovich
Genre: Drunken Shenanigans, F/M, I wrote this years ago, Please Don't Hate Me, this is old
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-22
Updated: 2018-04-22
Packaged: 2019-04-26 07:05:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,201
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14396835
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ZombieCyborgAssassin/pseuds/ZombieCyborgAssassin
Summary: When Rangers away, the gang will play.Drunken Shenanigans prompt if I remember correctly.





	The night before the morning after.

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Livvy_Nicklaus](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Livvy_Nicklaus/gifts).



> This is an old fic that I am gifting to Livvy_Nicklaus   
> I own nothing.
> 
> If you like this, check out my other fics, or my website (in profile) for info on my original works.

I came awake feeling seasick and I guess you could say hungover, but I wasn’t convinced I wasn’t still drunk. My body didn’t feel like my body, but the connection I had with it was telling me that I was potentially dead. Or I’d been hit by a semi. Or both.

My name is Stephanie Plum, and my head was pounding and the sound of a rhythmic chainsaw in my ear was not helping in the least. I attempted to peel one of my eyelids open, but the light was much too bright.

I tried to assess my surroundings without opening my eyes. I wasn’t in a bed. I was laying on a warm, moving waterbed. I had a memory flicker at the back of my sluggish drunken mind, and realised that the chainsaw was Lula snoring. Okay. I’m getting somewhere here.

I tried to feel up my body to make sure I was dressed, but I had something on my hands. Thankfully, it felt like there was clothing on my body. Another memory flickered, and the feeling of something on my head reminded me they were Rangers sunglasses.

I lifted one of my hands and used whatever was on them to shift the glasses down to my eyes.

Okay eyes, let’s try this again.

After managing to peel my eyelids open, it took me a few minutes to realise what I was looking at. Lula’s very large, very exposed, very close dark chocolate left breast. When the realisation hit me, I sat up away from her and took in the room.

I was sitting sideways in a bathtub. I had been using Lula, who was in the tub on my right, as a pillow. I could tell, cause there was drool trailing down her arm. On my left was Connie, her head at the bottom of the tub, legs up against the wall. We all three had oven mitts duct taped to our hands.

The bathroom wasn’t Rangers, but I’d stayed in one of the 4 th floor apartments for about 5 minutes a couple years ago, so I knew I was in one of them.

Memories began flickering and coming back to me of the last couple of days. Not all, though. And that worried me. Especially since I don’t know why I had Oven Mitts taped to my hands. What I did remember made me grin with mischief. I’m gonna burn in hell, but the rides gonna be worth it.

I shook my head to wake myself up a bit, and felt my brain slosh around in there. Huh, definitely still drunk.

I shook Lula. My voice felt like too much effort.

“I think I died.” Lula mumbled as she slowly came awake.

I cleared my throat.

“Con, why are you upside down?” I said in a husky voice. It was a well used voice. I must have been yelling at some point. Damn.

“Lula was snoring.” Connie replied, trying to sit herself up.

I stared at her for a full minute trying to figure out what the hell that had to do with it, but then gave up. I know I’m still drunk when my curiosity is on the blink.

I stretched my arms up and tried to pull myself out of the bath. I say tried because I seemed to have an unknown weight on my back and my body wasn’t co-operating with the orders I was giving it. I tried to turn my head to see what was on my back, but there was a kink and I felt pain shoot from behind my ear all the way down to my shoulder blade.

“Ugh. Can one of you tell me what is on my back?” I groaned.

“It’s a backpack with a vacuum cleaner in it.” Lula said.

I looked at her for a couple beats. Huh? “Huh?” Little ol’ eloquent me.

“We were Ghostbusters. You, me and Lester.” She said, like I should know since I was there. Which I was. I guess.

“Can you please help me take it off?” I asked.

“Its taped on there,” Connie said, as she stood up stretching. “we’d need to get some help for that.”

“Oh.” Is all I could say. It seems there’s a lot I don’t remember.

_ Knock knock knock. _

“Do we know who’s apartment we’re in?” I asked as Lula put her breast way, and Connie pulled me out of the tub.

“I think it’s Lester’s.” Connie replied. A memory flickered. Oh yeah. Lester offered that we use his apartment to sleep in for the night.

I wandered to the door, the vacuum hose hanging out of the backpack dragging behind me and opened it up.

Ranger stood there blank face in place, looking me up and down. He looked thinner, tired. He had a bruise on the right side of his face and stitches on his left arm. He was wearing his dog tags in is shirt, but I could tell they were brand new stainless steel. But he looked good. He always looked good. Probably it’s because I worry about him while he was on his mission and I missed him. He’d been gone for 3 months this time.  

There was a hard look in his eyes, so I guess he wasn’t happy to see me.

“Conference room, now.” He said flatly.

Yep. I’m gonna die. Or get sent to Cambodia with only a gun and one bullet.

I nod and turn back to the apartment, making my way to the kitchen. I banged on the front of the fridge, calling to Connie and Lula to move it. Ranger, who had followed me into the kitchen, raised an eyebrow. I shrugged.

As Connie and Lula entered the kitchen, the fridge door opened and Jeanne Ellen climbed out along with a flood of Tastykakes. I saw Rangers eyebrows hit his hair line out of the corner of my eye as she and I fist bumped our oven mitts.

“Cat Woman.” I greeted, my voice still husky. Okay, I had definitely yelled at some point. 

“Wonder Woman.” Jeanne Ellen purred. I grinned as she helped me scoop up several Tastykakes and made our way out of the apartment.

Standing at the elevator, I was contemplating the fact that I now had no way to open the Tastykakes when Ranger, who was on my right eyeing me, asked, “Why was Jeanne Ellen in the fridge?”

I looked up at him like he was crazy. “’Cause the oven was too small.” I rolled my eyes and went back to figuring out the Tastykakes dilemma. I could use my teeth, but that would be awkward. Maybe someone could open it for me? I looked up to find someone to open my Tastykakes and saw that we were already in the very full Conference Room.

I made my way to the empty seat next to Lester, who was also wearing a backpack with a vacuum cleaner, and dumped my Tastykake booty on the table. Before I could ask Lester to help me open one, someone placed a large coke and McDonalds’ fries in front of me and I almost cried. Someone got me the Cure. Almost. I did sniffle a little bit.

I reached for the fries and realised I was in the Tastykakes dilemma again, only with the Cure.

I stared at my mitts and the fries and couldn’t help the sting behind my eyes or the sniffing that I suddenly couldn’t control.

“Here.” I heard from beside me.

I looked up to see Lester reaching his hands out to one of my mitts. I held my arms out to him.

“Why do I have oven mitts on my hands in the first place?” I asked, looking at all the Merry Men in the room. None of them seemed to have oven mitts. It was just Lula, Connie, Jeanne Ellen and I.

“You ladies were getting handsy. We had to do something.” Binky said from across the room. I looked up at him in astonishment. Not only do I not remember being handsy, and am I humiliated that I was, but his black painted on shirt looked like Lula’s closet had thrown up on it. Looking around the room, it seemed like everyone was wearing Lula’s wardrobe vomit.

A vicious, “Explain.” Filled the silence, reminding me that there was a very angry Ranger in the room. I looked up to my left to see a very scary face that made me want to wet myself, as Lester freed my hands. I pushed my hand closest to Ranger into my hair, leaning my elbow on the table, and hunched over my fries and focused on eating them. Oh god, if I’m going to Cambodia I need to eat my Cure, and fast!

“Actually, only Lula and Jeanne Ellen were getting handsy,” I snickered at the comment about Jeanne Ellen. “Bomber and Connie got the mitts for the hell of it.” Said Woody.

I looked up to see Rangers face. It was back to being blank, but his eyes were opened slightly wider than usual looking at me. I frowned, if I didn’t know better, I’d say he was shocked.

I rolled my eyes .“Jeez, don’t look so shocked that I didn’t grope your men.”

That seemed to shake him out of whatever was going through his mind.

“Nice shirt, Babe.” He said, his eyes showing he was thinking about smiling.

I looked down. I was wearing one of my Rangeman shirts, but the words “Manoso’s Woman” were screen printed across the breasts.

I looked up and smirked. “Thought it might make apprehensions easier this way.” My worn out voice, sounding much sexier than I felt, was obviously doing something to him since his eyes turned pitch back. I felt my smirk become a full wolf grin, knowing I could affect him so quickly. “You should see the other ones. I’ll model them for you some time.”

He stared at me for a heartbeat before turning back to the group but looked back at me as I sucked Coke from my straw.

“Are you wearing my sunglasses?” I looked back up at him, watched as his eyes flicked to my hair, down to my shirt, back to my face. His blank face was intact, but he seemed to be trying to work something out. I grinned, knowing exactly what he was trying to work out. I did the only thing I could. I pulled the glasses down my nose, ignoring the glaring lights, looked at him over the frames, smirked and said, “Babe.” Before sliding them back up my nose and eating more of my fries.

The room was dead silent. I looked across the table as Lula and Connie’s jaws fell open. My smirk wasn’t going anywhere. I may be in Cambodia in few hours, but I’ll be smirking while I’m there.

“Whoa boy, I can’t believe she just ‘Babe’d Batman!” Lula whispered loudly, looking between me and Ranger. I could feel him staring at me, so I shrugged and kept eating. That seemed to be the signal for Ranger to move things along because I didn’t feel his eyes on me anymore.

“I came back to find my building looking like Cancun on Spring Break. I want answers.” Ranger ordered.

“Why is my medic covered in glitter?” Ranger asked eyeing Bobby.

“Twilight.” Bobby said.

Ranger raised his eyebrow, wanting more information.

Lula rolled her eyes. “Don’t you know nothin’? Vampires don’t get sick, and Twilight Vampires sparkle.”

“Well that explains a lot.” Connie mumbled. Everyone looked at her for a minute, then Bobby.

Bobby shook his head and said, “I don’t kiss and tell.”

Lula looked Connie up and down and said, “I don’t see no glitter on her anywhere here.” She paused, considering. “Oh.” We all watch Connie turn red. I’m pretty sure I knew, but I really wish I didn’t.

“Did you play paintball in the garage?” Ranger asked moving things along. Huh. That explains the wardrobe vomit.

Ranger smirked at me. “Out loud?” I asked. He nodded. I roll my eyes, I have got to stop doing that.

“We were playing laser tag, but the lasers ran out. Someone found the paintball guns in the armoury. So we used them instead.” Lester said from beside me.

Ranger stared at him.

“No one thought to change the batteries in the laser guns?” I asked, thinking that one was an obvious one.

Lester looked embarrassed. “We couldn’t figure out how.” I stared at him. Military’s most brilliant minds couldn’t change the batteries in a laser gun. Brilliant. How drunk were they?

“How did you manage to tape Tank to the outside of the building 4 stories up? Why is he green and is he wearing one of Lula’s wigs?” Ranger asked. I gaped at him. Holy crap. I looked around the room, and everyone seemed to be just as surprised as me.

Ranger looked around the room. “No one knows anything?” he asked incredulous.

I looked at the room again. Wow. I had nothing.

“Okay, can anyone tell me why Lula, Steph and Lester have backpacks with vacuum cleaners taped to their backs?” Ranger was pinching the bridge of his nose now. I know this mood. He’s in the mood to shoot someone. I hunch further down over my fries.

“We were Ghostbusters.” Lester said excitedly. I raised my brows at him.

“And why were we Ghostbusters?” I asked. I needed answers.

Hector spoke in rapid Spanish. I looked around hoping someone would translate for me. Ranger was staring at Hector. I looked back at Lester and nudged him and raised my eyebrows.

“Hector said that we needed to end the Flash mob properly.” Lester said.

“What?” I’m so lost right now. What the hell have I been up to?

“There’s video footage if you want to see?” He grinned mischievously.

I looked to Ranger. He looked like someone had told him he ate a whole chocolate cake. Probably I would look like that if I was told I ate a bucket of worms.

Woody opened a laptop and typed a few things, while Bobby set up the projector.

I sunk down in my seat, this can’t be good.

Someone turned the lights off as the projector stuttered to life. On the wall was what appeared to be the Trenton Police station. Police were walking around, drinking coffee, looking at files, standing around talking. CCTV footage I assume, since there was no sound. Jeanne Ellen walked on screen, and began talking to one of the Detectives. 30 seconds later, out of all directions came about 20 Merry Men, in the usual black painted on top and cargos. They all took formation and began dancing. It took a few seconds, but I realised they were doing Thriller. All the police were staring in shock, and Jeanne Ellen looked like a silver screen starlet, head thrown back, hand on her forehead, looking for all the world the classic damsel in distress. After about 2 minutes of dancing, the front double doors crash open on the right of the screen, displaying Lula, Lester and I armed with our vacuum cleaner hoses. Someone had obviously set up a fog machine too, because we looked badass. We moved forward into the group, looking like we were shooting with our vacuums and all the Merry Men ran off. Lula, Lester and I high fived and I walked up to Jeanne Ellen, dipped her and kissed her like there was no tomorrow. There was a lot of tongue.

I could hear some people around the room suck in a breath but I couldn’t care.

I already remembered kissing Cat Woman. We had a heart to heart. Drunk girl style. Plus, technically I’m single, so I can do whatever I want. I turned to Jeanne Ellen, who had a shit eating grin on her face, I returned it with enthusiasm.

The video finished, the lights came on, and everything was silent.

“Babe?”

I looked at Ranger. I shrugged.

“Nuh-uh Batman. They talked. That there was some Bridget Jones Edge of Reason shit.” Lula defended. “You don’t need to know anything other than they are friends now and that aint gonna change. They have a bond that no one else can break.”

I looked at Lula, I guess she was right. It was almost, no it was exactly like, Bridget Jones Edge of Reason.

Ranger looked from me to Jeanne Ellen and back again. “Let me get this straight. You were jealous of Jeanne Ellen this whole time, and she had a crush on you?” he asked.

I gasped. “You’ve seen Bridget Jones Edge of Reason?” I made like a gold fish. I think he’s blushing. Holy crap.

Ranger cleared his voice.

“Okay, can someone tell me why there’s banana peels all over my bedroom floor?” he asked the room.

Oh. My. God.

I sunk lower in my seat.

Snickering filled the room.

“Bossman, you’re going to get the answer to that if you ask what started all the drinking.” Lester snickered. I punched him in the side.

“Asshole.” I muttered.

“Fine, can someone answer why everyone started drinking?” Ranger asked impatiently.

Connie and Lula replied in union, “Morelli.”

Rangers eyebrow went up.

Lula sat up. “See, it’s like this. White Girl went to see Supercop and walked in on him whilst he was in Terry Gilman”

At this, Connie sat up and helped it along, clearly seeing my discomfort. “Apparently when he finally noticed Steph was even there, he said that he slipped.” More snickers from the peanut gallery. Understanding dawned on Rangers face.

Lula was nodding. “Yeah, so she turned her taser up and tasered him while he was still in Terry and they both went down.” The snickers increased.

I sighed and decided it would be easier to just say what happened. Especially if it got off the topic of the banana peels.

Not looking at Ranger, I continued the story.

“So then I went into the kitchen and had a beer. Then I tasered them again and had a tumbler of whiskey and called Les to help me out. He got there and we talked. Then we left, and I guess someone picked up my car. Then we called Mary Lou, Val, Lula and Connie to have a girls night. Y’know, a ‘yay I’m free of an over bearing, cheating asshole’ type of girls night. Towards the end of the night, some of the Merry Men joined in, and Mary Lou and Val headed home. I can’t tell you what happened next.” I said, sneaking a glance at him from under my lashes. He was absorbing the words.

“Why can’t you tell me?” He asked.

“Plausible Deniability.” Lester said from my right.

Ranger stood staring for a moment.

“Does this have anything to do with the 197 reports of people waking up with fish in their beds?” I stared at him. I didn’t answer, I didn’t need to, he could read me better than anyone.

“What about Harry the Hammer calling me to ask where Vinnie is?” I didn’t blink.

“What about the missing petting zoo?” I kept looking at him. How does he even know about that?

“Morelli isn’t on holiday, is he?” I grimaced. “Does his ‘holiday’ have anything to do with the large crate courier charge on my AMEX to Alaska?” I’m probably going to have to explain myself now. Shit.

I felt Lester stiffen next to me. I looked and he had a defiant glint in his eye.

“You can’t know about Operation Bombshell Payback. It’s need to know. And you don’t need to know.” I stared at him. Oh shit. Oh shit oh shit oh shit. Les is gonna die. No third world country for him.

I launched myself and hugged him tightly. “It was really lovely knowing you, Les.” I whimpered.

I felt him shaking with laughter, and heard a few snickers around the room.

I sat back and looked at Ranger from under my eyelashes, his mouth was tilted up in the corners. I was amusing him.

Letting out a breath I didn’t realise I was holding, I reached for one of my Tastykakes and ripped it open. I stuffed it into my mouth and moaned with delight just as my mind registered what it saw. A memory flickered to life in my mind and I stared at the stunning emerald cut diamond on my left hand.

I leaned over to my right, still staring at my hand, my face set into a shocked expression. “Les, tell me we didn’t rob a jewellery store.” I asked through a mouthful of Tastykake.

He looked at me, then looked at my hand and whistled. I pulled the sunglasses up to get a better look as Lester said, “I don’t remember a jewellery store, Beautiful. Sorry.”

“Ohmigod. What am I gonna do? I can’t go to jail! I don’t want to be anyone’s bitch. I’m too mouthy. I’d get hit a lot. Oh god! What will my mother think? She’d ban me from desert! I’m never going to have pineapple upside down cake ever again.” I began sobbing, the idea of never having pineapple upside down cake was terrifying.

I felt arms go around my waist as Ranger lifted me up without effort and sat me on his lap sideways. He wrapped one arm around my lower back below the vacuum cleaner to support me, the other hand took my chin and lifted my face to look at him. His brown eyes intense and molten as he made sure he had my attention.

“You’re not going to jail,” He said reassuringly. “Okay?” I nodded.

He took a deep breath and let it out. He looked kind of nervous.

“Take the ring off and look at it properly.” He said softly.

I slid the white gold ring off my left ring finger and looked at it. There on the inside of the band was the inscription, ‘Babe.’

I looked up at his face, he looked anxious and I could feel his heartbeat racing against my shoulder.

I raised my eyebrows at him. His heartbeat increased and a little worried smile tilted his lips.

I reached into his shirt and pulled his dog tags out. Yep. They’re the ones I ordered made for him.

I fingered the words on each tag where he could read it clearly. ‘Babe loves Batman’ on the first tag, and ‘Stephanie loves Carlos’ on the other.

“I’m guessing since you’re wearing these, you know the answer?” I had found the Tiffanys box in the safe while snooping in his room after a nap. Turns out the safe code is my birthday. I’d left the ring box open with the dog tags lying on top.

He stared at me for so long I began to squirm. Guess he’s not happy I pretended not to recognise the ring on my finger. Probably coz I made him nervous in front of his men. Didn’t think of that, did you Stephanie?

“If you don’t want to be shipped off to a safe house or a third world country, you’re moving your things into my apartment on 7 and giving up your current lease. You’ll learn self defence and you’ll carry your gun and a GPS everywhere you go.” His tone inviting absolutely no argument.

I couldn’t help the cheeky smile that slid on to my face.

“I’ve already filled your closet with my clothes.” I said.

“You got rid of everything in my closet and filled it with Victorias Secret and Batman suits in my size.” He responded. “Also bought with my AMEX.” He added after a pause.

“Well what do you expect when the AMEX has my name on it too? And who needs clothes? I’m not letting you leave the apartment for weeks, probably months.” He stared at me a moment longer and then gave me a 200 watt smile. The room filled with wolf whistles and cat calls.

“If any of you want to keep your jobs, your lives and want to stay in the country, I suggest all of you pitch in to help with clean up.” Ranger announced to the room as someone knocked on the door.

Hal leaned over and opened the door to reveal Grandma Mazur. Her peach hair was messy and gathered to one side, she was wearing a bed sheet toga exposing one of her chicken soup bone arm and shoulder and her berry pink lipstick was smudged all over her face.

“Can someone give me a ride home? I gotta make sure I can get to the Clip ‘n’ Curl in time to tell the girls all about this.” She said excitedly.

Ranger nodded and pulled his phone from his pocket and called someone, I’m guessing control room. Ram came and swept her from the door toward the elevator in no time.

“Hey! Why was yo’ Granny’s lipstick all smudged like that? I aint seen lipstick smudges like that since I was a ho.” Lula asked

I heard someone suck in a breath and looked up to see Bobby turn dangerously white and mutter, “That explains a lot.”

 


End file.
